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All the Fun of the Fares

Dave Return

By Dave Return

This week I have been blowing the lid on another one of those so-called “private-sector” franchises, in this case Virgin West Coast Trains, and their ludicrously over-priced and confusing fares structure. Having pored over their fares manual (with thanks to my usual contact for furnishing me with a 2008 edition), I have discovered a perfectly legal way of obtaining a much easier ticket from London Euston to Peterborough, taking you straight up the West Coast Main Line direct from the heart of the city to the heart of the Garden of England, nestling amongst the peaks of the Lancashire Fens.

Those foolish enough to go direct to the VCTW website, or one of those so-called discounted fare sites like the ridiculous “Train Line Dot Com” or those unprincipled Plagiarists at “Split Ticket Dot Com”, might just be able to secure an Advance Purchase single return ticket for the outrageous sum of £15. Fear not at this “faremongering”, for your “farebuster” extraordinaire has done his homework again so you don’t have to (or pay those idiots at national rail dot co dot uk any commission). This is how you beat the system:

  • Walk from Euston to Paddington (not that far when the weather’s nice)
  • Paddington to Henley-on-Thames (£16.70)
  • Taxi to Marlow
  • Marlow to Bourne End (only £3.00)
  • Bus to High Wycombe
  • High Wycombe to Aylesbury (another bargain at only £5.20)
  • Aylesbury to Bletchley (no published fare due to “awaiting reinstatement of services,” apparently)
  • Bletchley to Nuneaton (£18.90 if you go standard class)
  • Nuneaton to Leicester (just £5.00 if you avoid the trap of taking a direct service on to Peterborough)
  • Leicester to Nottingham (£11.30)
  • Nottingham to Lincoln (£11.80)
  • Lincoln to Gainsborough Lea Road (just £6.80)
  • Walk to Gainsborough Central
  • Gainsborough Central to Retford (a steal at £5.10)
  • Retford to Stevenage (£10.70 Advance Purchase, don’t alight at Peterborough as that always confuses them!)
  • Stevenage to Peterborough (£6.80)

So, yet again, you can beat the system for a fraction of the time it would take on foot, or the cost of a private helicopter. Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment, where I take on the so-called “Island Line” and the challenge of finding the cheapest fare from Ryde to the other end of the line at Sheerness, and continue my campaign to Bring Back Pocket Timetables #BBPTcampaignbyDaveReturn

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Opposition attack Government’s new Brexit rail strategy

GWR high-speed train
High-speed trains like this GWR train in Devon could be running on more railway tracks in future

In an unprecedented move never precedented before, the Government has announced radical plans to address Britain’s Transport Crisis to defend against possible post-Brexit unintended unforeseen outcomes. The £55 trillion Modernisation Plan will commit the Government to reinstating every line closed following Grouping in 1923, Nationalisation in 1948 and as a result of the Beeching Report of 1963. The Somerset and Dorset, Borders Line, Woodhead Route and Matlock to Buxton Line will all be unclosed.

In addition, the high-speed network will be expanded to include HS4 (London – Bristol – Penzance), HS5 (Fishguard – Swansea – Cardiff – Bristol – Birmingham), HS6 (London – Peterborough – Doncaster – York – Newcastle – Edinburgh) and HS8 (the Isle of Wight). No decision has been made yet on HS7.

The fares structure will be overhauled to have a single ticket type on all routes based on distance, and freight services will be incentivised by the amount of traffic carried.

The proposals will be funded by a retrospective Windfall Tax on Marples Ridgeway Construction (owned by former Transport Minister Ernest Marples who commissioned the Beeching Report on Reshaping Britain’s Investment in Marples Ridgeway), full recovery of HGV road costs and a new tax on disposable plastic things.

A spokesman for the Opposition criticised the proposals, saying they lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.

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Government launches new export drive with public appeal

Preparations started immediately after the last election

The Government’s new export drive is to be spearheaded by furniture exports, the Prime Minister offering up her own Cabinet to kick-start the new programme.

The Prime Minister has asked for volunteers to export her Cabinet out of the country by 28th March 2019, to seek out further export opportunities from various personal “export leadership satellite outbases”, situated around the world in Burgundy, Tuscany, Cannes and Monaco.

A government spokesintern could not confirm how and when the Cabinet would be returned to No.10.

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Transport’s Secretary’s moonlighting scandal costing jobs and other things say transport experts and angry parent

The Secretary’s State for Transport today sought to address concerns regarding his commitment to the Government, following reports that he spends half his time attending children’s parties and acting in major global movie franchises as a scary clown.

Speaking to a spokesman via a spokesperson the Transport’s State Secretary defended his dual employment, claiming the numerous number of parallels, synergies and similar things that seemed the same, between representing the Government in the development and execution of strategic transport policy, and representing a mythical entity that terrorises small children and exploits the fears and phobias of its victims to disguise itself while hunting its prey.

His Secretary went on to say that as far as he was aware, there had been no conflict of interest between the roles, whether dealing with negotiations with ASLEF and the RMT, or with parents worried about long-term psychological trauma. His number one priority remained in dealing with all the number one priorities he had already placed at the top of his agenda as the number one priority, including:

1. Sorting out the chaos caused by timetable failure
1. Northern Rail
1. Govia Thameslink Rail
1. Dawlish
1. The A595

The State of Transport’s Secretary was unavailable for comment or the Piñata party at the end of the road near where he lives. A statement from the Department said that he was unavailable for comment or the Piñata party at the end of the road near where he lives. A No.10 spokesman’s spokeswoman next door at No.9 said the Prime Minister had every confidence and was looking forward to the DVD box set with the extra content on special effects to make you look like really really scary.