Category: Virtual news

Senior politician sources material for his next mass debate, lost amidst picturesque valleys

Scientists warned today that a combination of things could bring the whole world to a cataclysmic end. Technical problems with the Japanese-Tyneside joint venture rolling stock caused by a lack of sufficient black sticky insulation tape, like what you used to be able to get from Maplins before they went bust, around key electrical components on the new high-speed rolling stock, could trigger distortion of the fabric of space-time fabric, at speeds over 73 and a half miles per hour.

Head of Research at the University of Dire Warnings, Death, Destruction & Doom, Mr Anatoly Vitaly Smith, said at a safe distance:

So…the problem seems to be caused by things we don’t properly understand at all. So….it would be really inappropriate and unscientific to even attempt to speculate as to the causes or outcomes. So…I believe it is fundamentally because the inter-vehicle and roof-mounted electrical cabling doesn’t have enough of that black sticky insulation tape that Maplins used to sell before they went bust – that always got tangled up and you’d have to start again, and always seemed to attract dust and stray pubic hair – the electrical interference which is then created at speeds of over 73 and a half miles per hour leads to unexpected unintended unforeseen consequences.

Mr Smith continued:

So…these consequences can include:

• Distorting time such that all clocks speed up relative to the train itself, causing passengers to think that the trains are always running late
• Passing trains electrocuting anyone standing on the platform with an umbrella tilted at 39 degrees to the vertical
• Mild sensations of stimulation for anyone lying down on the platform at right angles to the train as it passes
• Creation of a planetary-wide electrical storm and wormhole event likely to destroy all matter, as well as the train itself. Signals may also then change aspect unexpectedly

A spokesman for the Department for Transport wouldn’t be drawn, photographed or recorded on the subject, but in a subsequent Government statement the Government noted that the unintended ending of life as we know it by introduction of new rolling stock did not form part of the East Coast franchise specification, and therefore was outside the Government’s control. An Opposition spokesman was already en route to ask Elon Musk for a spare ticket to Mars and was unavailable for comment. The last word from the train manufacturers claimed the strapline “Inspire The Next” had, in fact, referred to the afterlife, before laughing repeatedly in a fading and echoing way.

Speaking at the recent announcement of the “root and branch” review of “the rail industry”, the Secretaries Estate for Transport  noted that:

it is clear that the structure we inherited is no longer fit to meet today’s challenges and cope with increasing customer demand

He also stated that:

My conclusion is that we’ve got an industry today where decision-making is too fragmented, we need a more joined up industry, we need an industry that moves on from the model set up at the time of privatisation

Challenged by journalists at a follow-up briefing of journalists to confirm who the Conservative Government had inherited the industry structure from, and who had built the model of it at privatisation, the Transport’s Secretary’s Spokesperson’s said that following extensive stakeholder research focus group activity, focussed on Merseyside, it agreed with local people who laid the blame squarely at Detorri’s. The Italian family, famous for its famous horse racing driver, and his line of eponymous pop-culture-wear, was not available for comment.

The spokesperson continued that the Conservative Government had pledged to unify the fragmented industry structure imposed on it at privatisation by Detorri’s, with a new model fit for the 21st Century. The travelling public, as well as the static public, would see the Conservatives deliver a railway completely and utterly different from Dettori’s previous failed and discredited attempts.

An antispokesman for the Opposition stated that it was unfair to attempt to place responsibility on any one organisation or family for the current state of the rail network, as it was entirely the Government’s fault. The Labour party had committed itself to creating a new nationalised model for the railways. The decision on OO gauge or HO gauge would be determined by the outcome of a vote at the Labour Party conference, even though Jeremy Corbyn would prefer to have it at N gauge instead.

Following strenuous denials at 09:00 this morning that any such report existed, following a Freedom of Information request at 09:01 the government disclosed in full a report looking at alternative proposals for HS2 phase 2,  following the request for anyone having any ideas whatsoever to submit these through the Guidance for market-led proposals (Gfmlp) initiative initiated earlier in 2018 this year.

Five proposals were outlined in the Alternative Route Selection Evaluation High Output Level Exercise report, as follows:

1.The Moderate Speed Zero Impact Zero Harm Full Inclusivity Pan-Stakeholder Alliance (MSZIZHFIPSA) made up of environmental groups, local authorities and “other really really nice people”, which has proposed an entirely sub-surface railway linking Phase 1 near Birmingham with “every other major town and city where the majority of stakeholders would definitely like a new railway line at some point provided they wouldn’t see it, hear it or feel it”. The route would be made entirely of recycled ocean-harvested plastic, mixed with cardboard, straw bales, quinoa and dung. Trains would run “at a speed which wouldn’t disturb any surface or sub-surface sentient or non-sentient beings.” Anyone not wishing to have the route located beneath, near or anywhere at all which they might not like would be offered £1 million in compensation and counselling. The gender-neutral, gender-fluid, vegan sub-surface route would be tunnelled by hand using specially-trained teams of archaeologists equipped with teaspoons, to make sure no harm was caused to sub-surface animals, insects, artefacts or anything else that may in future be found to have feelings. Construction is expected to take as long as necessary to avoid upsetting anyone, once everyone’s happy with the idea.

2.The Emmanuel-Mac-Ron Ligne a Très Très Très Grande Vitesse Superbe Coupe du Monde Gagnants conglomorate, a consortium of French state-owned railway, state-owned construction, state-owned rolling stock manufacturing and state-owned philosophy / sporting interests, which proposes two dead-straight and completely flat surface-level railway lines running from Birmingham to Manchester and Leeds, equipped with triple-deck high-speed trains running at “much, much faster than your “pathétique” 400 kph”.  Anyone situated in the path of the new lines will be offered a choice of:

a) 3 x the price of their property and a nice weekend break in Brittany, or
b) a team of  “professional stakeholder engagementeurs,” drawn from the elite French CRS riot police, who have a strong track record of “engagement” and securing “mutually-agreed solutions”.

A spokesartiste explained the design philosophy behind the route alignment, which translates as being “in the shape of a two-fingered salute to Britain and its army of armchair-sedentary pedants who seek to frustrate every grand projet with their sitting-down objectionable behaviour hypocritical.” He went on to be translated as saying that  HS2 will be a further symbol of France’s increasing unification of Europe, the Declaration of National Utility for the new LTTTGVSCdMG projecting France’s strategic direction in technology, railways, abstract thought, and any of various forms of team game involving kicking (and in some cases also handling) a ball. Construction will be immediate and impressive.

3. The Fuchnkuenz Partnership, a German joint venture between major manufacturers of petrochemicals and engineering structures. The combined lubricant / erection venture’s proposals were rejected on geographic and territorial grounds, due to the route alignment being “on an axis projecting from Berlin into Poland.”

4. The Eastern Sunrise Very High Speed Railway Design Construction and Considerably Punctual Operation State Corporation (ESVHSRDCCPOSC) has been awarded preferred bidder status for its proposals to supply an entirely self-funded in-house project, the route alignments described as “direct very”, rolling stock as “highly nice” running at speeds of “you will like yes.” The company claims that the route alignments have already been designated, following extensive public consultation which has “achieving full compliance and agreement by all identified stakeholders.” Construction will take place ahead of opening.

5. The Northern Powerhouse Construction Company, a grouping of leading civil engineers, property developers and railway operators based in Yorkshire, submitted a plan to radically reduce the costs and time involved with phase 2, proposing a link from Birmingham to Manchester, which would then extend to Sheffield via a reinstated Woodhead Tunnel before following existing transport corridors to Leeds, York and Newcastle. A further link at the southern end of HS2 phase 1 would enable larger continental UIC-gauge passenger and freight trains to operate, including duplex TGV sets and shuttles for unaccompanied and accompanied HGVs. An optional extension north from Manchester with a 4-track West Coast Main Line to Carlisle would in turn link to the Borders Line to extend high-speed services to the Central Belt. The route would be funded by a string of major residential, retail and distribution developments along the route, with costs kept under control by “a sensible dialogue with real stakeholders and not pandering to the ever-expanding demands of objectors.”  The line could be constructed within 10 years if the government agreed not to telephone, email or visit for the duration of the project. The bid was rejected by the government, who said that the proposals lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.

Commenting on the proposals, a passing Opposition spokesman criticised the government’s approach, saying the proposals lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.

In an unprecedented move never precedented before, the Government has announced radical plans to address Britain’s Transport Crisis to defend against possible post-Brexit unintended unforeseen outcomes. The £55 trillion Modernisation Plan will commit the Government to reinstating every line closed following Grouping in 1923, Nationalisation in 1948 and as a result of the Beeching Report of 1963. The Somerset and Dorset, Borders Line, Woodhead Route and Matlock to Buxton Line will all be unclosed.

In addition, the high-speed network will be expanded to include HS4 (London – Bristol – Penzance), HS5 (Fishguard – Swansea – Cardiff – Bristol – Birmingham), HS6 (London – Peterborough – Doncaster – York – Newcastle – Edinburgh) and HS8 (the Isle of Wight). No decision has been made yet on HS7.

The fares structure will be overhauled to have a single ticket type on all routes based on distance, and freight services will be incentivised by the amount of traffic carried.

The proposals will be funded by a retrospective Windfall Tax on Marples Ridgeway Construction (owned by former Transport Minister Ernest Marples who commissioned the Beeching Report on Reshaping Britain’s Investment in Marples Ridgeway), full recovery of HGV road costs and a new tax on disposable plastic things.

A spokesman for the Opposition criticised the proposals, saying they lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.

The Government’s new export drive is to be spearheaded by furniture exports, the Prime Minister offering up her own Cabinet to kick-start the new programme.

The Prime Minister has asked for volunteers to export her Cabinet out of the country by 28th March 2019, to seek out further export opportunities from various personal “export leadership satellite outbases”, situated around the world in Burgundy, Tuscany, Cannes and Monaco.

A government spokesintern could not confirm how and when the Cabinet would be returned to No.10.

The Secretary’s State for Transport today sought to address concerns regarding his commitment to the Government, following reports that he spends half his time attending children’s parties and acting in major global movie franchises as a scary clown.

Speaking to a spokesman via a spokesperson the Transport’s State Secretary defended his dual employment, claiming the numerous number of parallels, synergies and similar things that seemed the same, between representing the Government in the development and execution of strategic transport policy, and representing a mythical entity that terrorises small children and exploits the fears and phobias of its victims to disguise itself while hunting its prey.

His Secretary went on to say that as far as he was aware, there had been no conflict of interest between the roles, whether dealing with negotiations with ASLEF and the RMT, or with parents worried about long-term psychological trauma. His number one priority remained in dealing with all the number one priorities he had already placed at the top of his agenda as the number one priority, including:

1. Sorting out the chaos caused by timetable failure
1. Northern Rail
1. Govia Thameslink Rail
1. Dawlish
1. The A595

The State of Transport’s Secretary was unavailable for comment or the Piñata party at the end of the road near where he lives. A statement from the Department said that he was unavailable for comment or the Piñata party at the end of the road near where he lives. A No.10 spokesman’s spokeswoman next door at No.9 said the Prime Minister had every confidence and was looking forward to the DVD box set with the extra content on special effects to make you look like really really scary.