Following strenuous denials at 09:00 this morning that any such report existed, following a Freedom of Information request at 09:01 the government disclosed in full a report looking at alternative proposals for HS2 phase 2, following the request for anyone having any ideas whatsoever to submit these through the Guidance for market-led proposals (Gfmlp) initiative initiated earlier in 2018 this year.
Five proposals were outlined in the Alternative Route Selection Evaluation High Output Level Exercise report, as follows:
1.The Moderate Speed Zero Impact Zero Harm Full Inclusivity Pan-Stakeholder Alliance (MSZIZHFIPSA) made up of environmental groups, local authorities and “other really really nice people”, which has proposed an entirely sub-surface railway linking Phase 1 near Birmingham with “every other major town and city where the majority of stakeholders would definitely like a new railway line at some point provided they wouldn’t see it, hear it or feel it”. The route would be made entirely of recycled ocean-harvested plastic, mixed with cardboard, straw bales, quinoa and dung. Trains would run “at a speed which wouldn’t disturb any surface or sub-surface sentient or non-sentient beings.” Anyone not wishing to have the route located beneath, near or anywhere at all which they might not like would be offered £1 million in compensation and counselling. The gender-neutral, gender-fluid, vegan sub-surface route would be tunnelled by hand using specially-trained teams of archaeologists equipped with teaspoons, to make sure no harm was caused to sub-surface animals, insects, artefacts or anything else that may in future be found to have feelings. Construction is expected to take as long as necessary to avoid upsetting anyone, once everyone’s happy with the idea.
2.The Emmanuel-Mac-Ron Ligne a Très Très Très Grande Vitesse Superbe Coupe du Monde Gagnants conglomorate, a consortium of French state-owned railway, state-owned construction, state-owned rolling stock manufacturing and state-owned philosophy / sporting interests, which proposes two dead-straight and completely flat surface-level railway lines running from Birmingham to Manchester and Leeds, equipped with triple-deck high-speed trains running at “much, much faster than your “pathétique” 400 kph”. Anyone situated in the path of the new lines will be offered a choice of:
a) 3 x the price of their property and a nice weekend break in Brittany, or
b) a team of “professional stakeholder engagementeurs,” drawn from the elite French CRS riot police, who have a strong track record of “engagement” and securing “mutually-agreed solutions”.
A spokesartiste explained the design philosophy behind the route alignment, which translates as being “in the shape of a two-fingered salute to Britain and its army of armchair-sedentary pedants who seek to frustrate every grand projet with their sitting-down objectionable behaviour hypocritical.” He went on to be translated as saying that HS2 will be a further symbol of France’s increasing unification of Europe, the Declaration of National Utility for the new LTTTGVSCdMG projecting France’s strategic direction in technology, railways, abstract thought, and any of various forms of team game involving kicking (and in some cases also handling) a ball. Construction will be immediate and impressive.
3. The Fuchnkuenz Partnership, a German joint venture between major manufacturers of petrochemicals and engineering structures. The combined lubricant / erection venture’s proposals were rejected on geographic and territorial grounds, due to the route alignment being “on an axis projecting from Berlin into Poland.”
4. The Eastern Sunrise Very High Speed Railway Design Construction and Considerably Punctual Operation State Corporation (ESVHSRDCCPOSC) has been awarded preferred bidder status for its proposals to supply an entirely self-funded in-house project, the route alignments described as “direct very”, rolling stock as “highly nice” running at speeds of “you will like yes.” The company claims that the route alignments have already been designated, following extensive public consultation which has “achieving full compliance and agreement by all identified stakeholders.” Construction will take place ahead of opening.
5. The Northern Powerhouse Construction Company, a grouping of leading civil engineers, property developers and railway operators based in Yorkshire, submitted a plan to radically reduce the costs and time involved with phase 2, proposing a link from Birmingham to Manchester, which would then extend to Sheffield via a reinstated Woodhead Tunnel before following existing transport corridors to Leeds, York and Newcastle. A further link at the southern end of HS2 phase 1 would enable larger continental UIC-gauge passenger and freight trains to operate, including duplex TGV sets and shuttles for unaccompanied and accompanied HGVs. An optional extension north from Manchester with a 4-track West Coast Main Line to Carlisle would in turn link to the Borders Line to extend high-speed services to the Central Belt. The route would be funded by a string of major residential, retail and distribution developments along the route, with costs kept under control by “a sensible dialogue with real stakeholders and not pandering to the ever-expanding demands of objectors.” The line could be constructed within 10 years if the government agreed not to telephone, email or visit for the duration of the project. The bid was rejected by the government, who said that the proposals lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.
Commenting on the proposals, a passing Opposition spokesman criticised the government’s approach, saying the proposals lacked vision and didn’t go far enough.